


Nothing's Wrong Except Everything

by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Descriptions of depression, Healthy Support Systems, M/M, Ugh, discussions of depression, low days are the wooooorst, take your meds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 07:20:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19848283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/Perpetual%20Motion
Summary: Rafael has a low day and just has to get through.





	Nothing's Wrong Except Everything

He knows it's a low day the minute he wakes up. He's sluggish when the alarm goes off, a weight dragging down his whole body. He stares at the ceiling and considers the last few days, trying to identify what could have led to this.

Nothing monumental has happened that could affect his mood like this. No loss in court. No debilitating personal news. He hasn't fought with anyone or had any sort of emotional stress outside of the norm. 

"Hey," Sonny says quietly. "You okay?"

Rafael turns his head and looks at him. Sonny's leaning in the bedroom doorway, a towel around his hips. It takes him twenty minutes to shower and shave, and his alarm goes off at the same time as Rafael's. Rafael's lost that time staring at the ceiling. 

"Low day," Rafael says. 

Sonny nods. "Okay." He steps forward and leans down, pressing a kiss to Rafael's forehead. "I'm gonna make you breakfast."

"Okay," Rafael says. He tries to smile, but he knows it doesn't look right. Sonny grins back at him like it's fine, though, and that helps. 

"Shower's free," Sonny says and walks down the hallway.

It's another couple of minutes before Rafael gets up. He stands slowly. Days like this, he doesn't have a great sense of his surroundings. He walks to the bathroom with small steps and strips out of his t-shirt and boxers without looking in the mirror. He showers quickly and makes himself shave, staring at his jaw with intense concentration because he doesn't like to see his face on days like this.

When he comes out of the bathroom, Sonny's in the kitchen sliding two eggs onto a plate that includes a small pile of grapes and warm toast with butter. There's a hot cup of coffee, too, and next to that, a glass of water and the familiar red and white pill. 

"I can take my meds by myself," Rafael says, testy at the intrusion and knowing he's being ridiculous.

"I'm not gonna feed it to you," Sonny says, giving him an arch look, almost daring him to fight. 

Rafael glowers at him as he takes his pill and swallows it dry. "Ta-fucking-da," he says. 

"A mesmerizing performance," Sonny replies as he walks back to the bedroom.

Rafael stares at the eggs and grapes and toast. He's tempted to ignore it all and just chug his coffee. But he feels guilty even at the thought. Sonny put in the effort. Rafael doesn't want to seem ungrateful. And he's already seemed ungrateful about Sonny laying out his pill even though he knows Sonny's just trying to help make his day a little easier. Sonny knows his low days are hard--he has his own low days, too--but Rafael's certain Sonny secretly hates Rafael's low days and wishes Rafael would just make more of an effort not to let himself get dragged down like this. Is it so damn hard? What's he got to be low about anyway?

"Fuck," Rafael mutters, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes to hold back the tears. 

"Do you want--" Sonny's question cuts off. Rafael doesn't drop his hands to see him. He doesn't want to see how disappointed Sonny is that Rafael can't keep his shit together. "You need a hug?" Sonny asks.

Rafael screws up his face and breathes out hard. He nods. He listens to Sonny approach, then feels Sonny's hands on his sides. He drops his hands and grabs Sonny tight around the neck, holding on as he cries on his shirt.

"I'm sorry," Rafael mumbles into Sonny's shoulder.

"It's okay," Sonny replies. 

"I hate this," Rafael says. 

"I know," Sonny replies. 

A little of the weight lifts off Rafael. Sonny does know. Rafael's had to hug him like this before. Rafael's had to make him breakfast before. Rafael's had to gently remind him to take his meds before. Sonny understands. Sonny loves him. Sonny knows Rafael isn't doing this on purpose.

Sonny presses a kiss into his hair. "Today's gonna suck, but you're gonna get through it," he says. "Because you've gotten through other days just like it."

"Yeah," Rafael says, his voice watery. He pulls away from Sonny and presses his fingers to the wet patch on Sonny's shirt. "You need to change your shirt."

"I'll change while you eat," Sonny says. "How about that?"

"Okay."

Rafael sits and eats. He doesn't really taste anything, not even the coffee, but he cleans his plate all the same.

"All dry," Sonny says as he comes out of the bedroom. 

"All done," Rafael replies. He feels steadier when he stands. He manages to look Sonny in the face. Sonny's smiling softly at him. There's no pity, no annoyance, just comfort and love. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Sonny reaches around Rafael to grab the dishes and kisses Rafael's cheek along the way. "Get dressed, and I can walk you to your office if you want."

Rafael nods in agreement and goes back to the bedroom. He'd laid out his clothes the night before as he usually does, so at least getting dressed is easy. He looks at himself in the mirror and doesn't hate the view. 

When he walks into the living room, Sonny hands him his keys, his phone, and his briefcase, then opens the door for him. It's the same thing Sonny does every morning they can leave together. It reminds Rafael that low days are low days, but Sonny's always here, low day or not. He takes a deep breath as they step into the coolness of the early morning. When he reaches for Sonny's hand, Sonny meets him halfway.

They don't talk as they head to work. Rafael needs to save his words for when he needs them. His energy is sparse on days like this, and he has to carefully dole it out to get through. Sonny holds his hand for their entire subway ride, and the entire walk from the station to the courthouse. He doesn't let go when they walk in, and he even presses a kiss to Rafael's knuckles as they take the elevator up, not caring that other people are riding with them. 

"Morning, Carmen," Sonny says as they pass her desk.

"Morning," she calls back. 

Rafael lets himself into his office and turns to tell Sonny goodbye. "Could you tell Carmen?" Rafael asks quietly. 

"Of course," Sonny says. He kisses Rafael goodbye. "Call me or text me or email me if you need me, okay? I'll do my best to answer, but who the hell knows what's happening today."

"Okay," Rafael agrees. He closes the door when Sonny turns away, not wanting to hear him tell Carmen he's having a low day. Carmen will handle it with her usual aplomb, Rafael knows from experience, but it's only recently he's actually started explaining that he _has_ low days rather than leaving Carmen in the dark and making her wonder why he's being a total asshole. 

He sets his briefcase on his desk, then clicks on his coffee pot. He watches the pot fill, knowing he should be sorting out the files from his briefcase or checking his emails but not really able to make himself move. 

It's the most frustrating part of days like this. Even worse than the weight he feels or the way his brain goes sluggish. It's standing here doing nothing when he knows absolutely and concretely there are tasks to complete. But he just. Can't. 

The coffee pot finishes brewing, and Rafael pours himself a cup. He turns and looks at his desk. He'll give it ten seconds, he decides, then he'll open his briefcase.

Ten seconds turns to twenty, then thirty. He's talking himself into ten more seconds when Carmen walks in, her notebook in one hand. Rafael looks at her, ready to snarl something rude, but Carmen just rolls her eyes.

"Executive dysfunction?" she asks. 

Rafael sighs. "Yeah."

"Sucks," she replies, making a face. "You wanted me to remind you this morning that you need to finish the Lassiter motion."

"Right," Rafael says. The information for the Lassiter motion is in his briefcase, and now that Carmen's come in and basically assigned him the task he already knew he needed to finish, he can go over and open his briefcase.

"Calhoun wants the plea meeting moved to tomorrow," Carmen says. 

Rafael has a brief thought that Carmen's told Rita he's having a bad day, but he knows Carmen would never do that. Besides, it's Rita. It's likely a tactic as much as anything else. "Reject her first time slot," he says.

"Will do," Carmen replies and walks back out of the office.

The morning is a frustrating slog of staring at his laptop screen, typing a few words, and then looking around his office like the motion will just write itself. It's compounded by the fact that the motion is standard, something that Rafael could knock out in an hour, at most, on any other day. 

Carmen walks in at noon with a small bag. "Just delivered from the deli," she says. 

"I didn't order anything," Rafael replies.

Carmen gives him a look that tells him he knows damn well who ordered him lunch. "I'm off to lunch," she says instead, and Rafael makes a noise of acceptance as he reaches for the bag. 

Ham and cheese with garlic aioli, tomatoes, and arugula. There's a bag of plain potato chips and not one but two pickles wrapped in wax paper. 

Rafael smiles at the lunch and picks up his phone.

**Rafael:** Thanks for the comfort food.

**Sonny:** Hope it helps a little.

It's easier to eat than it was this morning, and Rafael takes it as a small victory. His afternoon is much like his morning. He gets the motion completed just before five and sends it to Carmen for review, making a note in the email that she can look at it in the morning.

Sonny shows up at five-twenty. "Carmen's gone. All's quiet at the squad. I know you don't have any hearings or anything to prep for tomorrow. Let's go home and watch _Sharknados_ until we can't stand it anymore."

Rafael laughs. It sounds tiny and tired, but the way Sonny grins, he feels like he's done something great for him. "Okay," he agrees. "What's for dinner?"

"Leftovers or we can order out," Sonny says. "I'll decide when I get home if I give a damn about heating up food."

They're as quiet on the way home as they were that morning, and Sonny stays just as close, holding Rafael's hand and simply being there. Rafael leans against him on the subway and closes his eyes when Sonny kisses the top of his head. 

At home, Sonny opens the fridge, makes a face, and closes the door. "Fuck it. How about Ethipoian?"

"That works," Rafael says. It's another comfort food, and he hugs Sonny from behind as Sonny takes out his phone to order. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Sonny says quietly.

Rafael changes into pajamas and grabs a blanket from the linen closet to spread out on the couch. He flops down and picks up the remote, cycling to the _Sharknado_ movies.

"Beer?" Sonny asks as he pulls one out for himself. 

Rafael sighs and shrugs. "Why not? Not like I could feel more depressed right now."

Sonny snorts. "A winning argument," he says and carries over two beers. He drops on the couch next to Rafael and pulls the blanket over his legs. "I got good news for you," he says.

Rafael smiles. He knows exactly what Sonny's about to say, and he loves that Sonny makes the effort every time. "What's that?"

"Today's almost over," Sonny replies.

And for the first time all day, Rafael's smile feels real. "Yeah," he agrees, "it is."

**Author's Note:**

> I used my own low days as a basic structure for Rafael's. Basically, nothing feels like it really exists and I spend a lot of energy doing basic tasks when I'm not having to remind myself that my brain can't be trusted because it's an asshole. Executive dysfunction sucks.
> 
> And for everyone who needs to hear it: Take your meds on the low days. I know it's hard, but low days aren't a sign your meds aren't working. Low days are a sign that you have depression. Because your brain is an asshole.


End file.
